So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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