I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
