my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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