I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
