I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
