Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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