On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
