I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
