Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
