I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
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