They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
