I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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