If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
