but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
