Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
