he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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