I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We left the knife in your bed.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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