Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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