saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
