How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
