I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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