someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
