Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
