Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize