Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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