its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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