dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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