I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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