I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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