onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
