if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
