oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
