Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
