I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
