her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
