party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
