You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
