Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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