Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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