if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
