the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
