chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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