i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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