i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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