is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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