I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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