New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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