I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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