just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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