Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
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