My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
