Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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