Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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