I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
