the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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