he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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