Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize