She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
