I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have tasted many bathrooms
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
