All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
