I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
