if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
