seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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